Three Things

1. On being pregnant with a GIRL!

Both Jonny and Will are becoming more excited and aware that Sister is on her way! At 25 weeks this pregnancy is speeding along, thank goodness. With a growing belly, lower back pain, and the onset of Braxton Hicks, it's getting more difficult to do things like sleep comfortably, find clothes that fit, and catch up on cleaning/laundry after keeping up with the boys all day. And since this list of difficulties will get longer, and the days will get hotter, I am happy to be more than halfway through. Especially since we are all so eager to meet our little nugget! But I am so grateful, you guys. So grateful. To be healthy, to feel my girl moving much of the day, to not have the stress of a move looming ahead of me (we moved to VA when I was 32 weeks with Will and it was rough), and to be in a place where I feel so loved and supported. We have really settled in here and it is home! For another year at least.


2. On living our best life.

My emotions run high these days and I often find myself being more reactive than I want to be. It is so much pressure to realize what an impact my mood has on our home and family! So I continue to focus on meeting my needs, so I can meet my family's needs, and we can all work on living our best life.

For me that looks like daily scripture study and prayer, consistent meal planning, reading more often, and getting to bed early. On my nightstand right now are No Drama Discipline, The Last Child in the Woods, and The Gift of Asher Lev. This month I devoured The Rose Garden, No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency and My Name is Asher Lev. A motley assortment of titles is typical, and works for me because it draws me to my books more often than my phone.

For our family, when Matt is working long hours we depend on structure, schedules, and routines. The boys and I thrive off being outside, planning outings, scheduling time with friends, and knowing what to expect. But when we get Dad home for a random morning/afternoon, or precious day off, it all goes through the window. Those days look like spur of the moment outings to the park, a messy kitchen, laundry piles, impromptu beach, museum, or zoo trips, and late naps/bedtimes.

This past month we also enjoyed a trip to California to visit my grandparents, and a visit from my brother and his family. Both visits filled our souls and hearts. They reminded us that even though we live far away, we have our people! Wonderful people who love us and are always there for us. Our California trip was extra special because I got to revisit the town where I grew up, and Jonny and Will got to bond with my grandparents, who were an integral part of my childhood and who I am today ❤

3. On what I believe.

My life is currently in a sunny place, but storms will come. So many of my friends and loved ones are going through difficult times right now. How are they supposed to deal with it all? How can we find peace when our life, not to mention the world at large, is in such turmoil? All I can do is cling to my faith in God. My faith helps me to make sense of senseless things. It is what gives me the perspective and comfort I need to weather my storms and attempt to help my loved ones through theirs.

I know that we have a Heavenly Father who loves each of us and knows us better than we know ourselves. We lived with him before we came to this earth. He created a plan for us, whereby we can return to live with him someday. That plan was our Savior, Jesus Christ, who has felt our pains and knows intimately how to comfort us and help us through our trials. Through Christ we can find peace and solace even in the midst of our deepest sorrows. I believe that with an eternal perspective we can come to realize hard things are good for us. They encourage us to draw closer to Christ our Savior. And when we are closer to him, he can purify our hearts and strengthen our weaknesses, lifting us and helping us a grow in a way that we never could on our own. He is the light. He is joy. And I know He lives!

A much overdue announcement . . .

We are having a BABY!!! I keep putting off the "Facebook announcement" because I wanted to know gender first, then I wanted to have a good picture of my emerging baby bump, then I started thinking I should do something cute and creative . . . meh.

WE ARE HAVING A BABY AND WE ARE SO DARN HAPPY ABOUT IT!

I am just about 20 weeks along. Due date is JULY 11 ❤ We will be finding out gender on February 28th. Morning sickness kicked my butt for the first 16 weeks or so, but I am feeling totally back to normal now and enjoying this golden stage of 2nd trimester pregnancy.

I also want to say, however awkwardly, that I am painfully aware of how blessed we are. To have conceived three children, two years apart, with no complications, miscarriages, or any causes for concern (so far). I know that is not the case for so many of my dear friends and it makes my heart ache. I don't know why we have been so lucky, but my prayers always include two things. First, to not ever take these blessings for granted. Second, to be a loving and considerate friend rather than an unintentionally braggy or obnoxious one, trying to be aware of the needs and feelings of others. So much room to grow. But I am trying.

Love you all ❤

To my future self: A Healthy Dose of Perspective

I can't tell you how often people advise me to "appreciate these days with young children because before I know it these boys will be grown and baby days will be over." I also can't tell you how many times a day I have that exact same thought. It's true! I know it is! I WILL MISS THESE DAYS. Go ahead and keep reminding me of this. You're right. I am so blessed and lucky to have two healthy, adorable boys and the emotional/physical ability to care for them.

But. There are some things I just won't miss, and last night was one of them. Because of Matt's work schedule, and the fact that all of our bedrooms are clustered together, letting babies "cry it out" just isn't always an option. Especially with Will who has amazing CIO stamina. Matt insists that he can sleep through anything, but I just can't lay in bed and listen to the crying and screaming when I know my poor husband has to wake up at 4:30! So this scenario occurs, minus the sickness, about once a week.

Last night Will was sick. Stuffy nose, fever, just all around feeling rotten. I slept in his room (we have an extra bed in there), but the only way to keep him quiet and comfortable was to bring him into bed with me. This is not our norm, so peaceful co-sleeping (is there such a thing?) just never happens. What happens is he cries, we snuggle, then he settles into a crazy position which always includes digging his feet into my face or stomach, and finally falls into a deep sleep. I, on the other hand, doze fitfully and fretfully, trapped in the same position as I desperately try to make sure he isn't going to fall off the bed or be smothered by the blanket. And because he's sick, I just feel guilty for being mad and tired rather than nurturing and compassionate when he wakes up with renewed rage every hour or so.

But guess what? I run the show here, today and every day. And my baby is sick. So being nurturing, compassionate, and fully present is a non-negotiable, even though I just want to crawl back into bed to sleep the day away and catch up on This is Us.

Sorry to complain, but I won't miss last night (or this morning, really). Maybe this post will bring some solace to my aching mama heart in 20 years? Anyway, here's to hoping the day brings long naps and lots of moments that I will miss.

❤

Will, 18 months

"Baby Will" is 18 months in just a couple weeks. Where does the time go? In the months since he turned 1, he has developed an intense little personality. His baby nickname, "chill Will" no longer applies. The days are long, but I often feel this stage slipping through my fingers! I won't bore you with all the cuteness, but here are some Will highlights.

• Will's catch phrase is, "Let's go!" He chants the words over and over when he wakes up in the morning, finishes a meal, wants to be let out of his car seat, arrives home after being away, and when he is really excited at the prospect of doing something (usually playing with Jonny)

• Adores our dog, Scout. The feeling isn't at all mutual. Will has to know where Scout is at all times. "Dow! Dow!" The other day I was taking the kids upstairs and Scout started making a weird coughing noise. Afraid that she would vomit on the upstairs carpeting, I closed her into the kitchen while I took the boys up. Will was beside himself and kept imitating her coughing sounds and pointing downstairs with wide, worried eyes. He would not be consoled until I took him down to the kitchen to check on her. And when we have to drop her off at the groomers? He is distraught.

• No interest in screens or TV (trust me, I have tried all the shows) but is obsessed with carrying the iPad around. "Ah-pad, Ah-pad!" He doesn't do anything with it, just gives me a heart attack that he is going to chuck it down the stairs or something.

• Always, always, hungry. Our boy Will is a bottomless pit. He will down a peanut butter sandwich, crackers, cheese, and a banana, then be howling with starvation half an hour later. I'll be honest, it's exhausting. But he eats a variety of fruits and veggies, and I never have to worry about his growth, so I will count my blessings.

• Will throws cute tantrums and not-so-cute tantrums. The cute ones are when he gets frustrated about something and backs up slowly, maintaining eye contact with quick, deep breaths and the saddest little expression. Like all those mad/sad feelings are bubbling up inside and he just doesn't know how to handle them! He will look around for some way to show you how mad he is--usually a halfhearted shove of a chair or kick at a toy. The not-so-cute ones are just a sign that he is almost 2.

• Wakes me up every morning with a (usually) gleeful, "Mamamamamamamama!!!!"

Favorite outdoor activity: digging in the dirt and kicking around a "ball-ball!" (the ball obsession is real over here)

Favorite indoor activity: Playing trains with Jonny. He calls them "chee-chee's" which we assume was derived from "choo-choo."

Loves going to the zoo and seeing the giraffes, playing in the bus at the Children's Museum, and making delicious pizza in the play kitchen at the library.

Current obsessions: giraffes, buses, trucks, apples, ketchup, babies "bubbas," drinks of "wa-wer"

We love you Will!

Our Sweet and Salty Three Year Old

Sweet, salty, and everything in between. That pretty much sums up our three year old right now. I am so grateful to be his mother and obviously can't imagine life without him, but sheesh! It's a lot!

Sweet
He loves his brother. Oh, how he loves his brother. Sometimes he would prefer to love him from a distance (like when he has built an intricately elevated train track that will topple if you breathe on it wrong) but they really are becoming best of friends. Proof is on Instagram.

He sings all day long. Current favorites include:
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Down By The Bay
The Corner Grocery Store
If the Savior Stood Beside Me

Matt cut Jonny's hair last week and for the first time ever J didn't freak out! Whenever someone mentions it he does this proud little bow to show them the top of his head, then carefully folds each ear back as proof of his bravery-- "and see behind my ears??"

Salty
So. Many. Meltdowns. I don't even know what else to say about that. The waterworks are real around here.

One of his new favorite phrases is, "I will not!" As in, "I will not pick up my cars!" or "I will not obey Mama!"

His sassy little attitude is simultaneously hilarious and concerning.  A few weeks ago he was chasing the dog with a toy truck. When I took away the truck he wailed, "You made a bad choice to me Mama!" Another time as I was trying to get him to try eating something new he burst into tears, crying, "this dinner is not delicious to me!"

In Between
He never stops talking in the car. Like, ever. Sometimes it is adorable and sometimes I would give anything for two minutes of silence. We are in the "WHY" phase and I'm sorry, but it's rough. I just can't spend 10 minutes talking about why we are waiting at the red light and the other cars are driving. "Why we stop mama? Why their light is green? I want our light to be green!" We have to take turns! What else is there to say!?!

It is sweet in these conversations, though, to get a glimpse into his mind and heart. He talks a lot about his Dada and the things they will do when Dad gets home. He is also very interested in "towns" and loves to ask what town his aunts/uncles/grandparents live in. However, these questions inevitably lead to the unanswerable "why" questions (What is Grandpa's town called? Lehi Why? They just call it that. Why he live there? Because he likes it. Why? They have mountains there. Why? . . . tectonic plates? I don't KNOW!!!!)

Sweet, salty, and everything in between. I'll take it all.
💓💓💓

Intentions (2018's word for resolutions)

I feel like New Year's Resolutions have been getting a bad rap the last couple of years (e.g. this opinion article on New Year's Resolutions vs. New Year's Realities). But you know what? I love them. I love them for the same reason I love Mondays, new journals, and a freshly cleaned house. It's a chance to reflect, start over, and move forward. With that said, here are my "intentions" for this new year.

Take a deep breath.
I am not as busy as I think I am. Truly. J will be starting pre-k in the fall and our life will become much more scheduled. More children will come, the boys will get older and become more involved with school and extracurricular activities. We will embrace that stage of life when it arrives, but for now my life is as quiet and unhurried as I make it. I got a Leuchtturm 1917 journal for Christmas (you bullet-journalers will understand how exciting this is!) and I am loving my newly organized weekly layouts. I have always been "a throw it in my planner with a million stars and circles so I don't forget it" kind of person. Which has worked fine, but guess what? Writing smaller and more neatly makes me feel so much more in control. Who knew a more organized life would start with my handwriting? I am ready to make room for the things that matter.

Read.
I have always been a book person. And by book person I mean, I like to own books. Between used bookstores, library sales, and my Amazon wishlist, I have amassed quite a collection over the past 10 years. But since I also love to frequent local libraries, and my reading time is limited, the books I actually own often go unread. 2018 is the year to read the books I own. I give each book at least 100 pages to capture me. If I am still dragging through it after 100 pages it gets tossed into the donation box with no regrets. Life is too short! Also, as much as I love a good Dan Brown thriller, do I really need to cart it around with me for the rest of my life? I am only keeping the books that change me and speak to my soul.

Be all in and fully present.
This speaks for itself, really. I am the queen of multi-tasking seven things and only finishing . . . zero things. So. One thing at a time. When it comes to household duties, I want to focus, finish, and move on. For real, I don't need to have Netflix playing in the background to get the dishes done. Being efficient will grant me the space to relish time with my children and husband, fill my cup with good books and music, place a higher priority on spiritual growth, establish meaningful family traditions and rituals, and just be here.

All of you resolution skeptics can continue to roll your eyes, but this kind of stuff is what makes me tick!

Fresh Start

This Christmas season was different from recent years. Decorations were up promptly after Thanksgiving and were fully savored and enjoyed all month long. No traveling, with or without Matt. We enjoyed time being cozy little homebodies and didn't get around to everything (neighbor gifts, Christmas cards, Christmas crafts, traditional holiday baking . . .) But we watched the movies, listened to all the music, saw so many beautiful lights, and did our very best to maintain a steady focus on the Savior. We were able to celebrate Christmas on Christmas, we had Matt home with us for 4 DAYS IN A ROW, and Jonathan is finally old enough to be excited about Santa and fully comprehend the magic of it all. It was so hard to be far from our families, but it was soothing and peaceful to spend such a special weekend together--just us.

Here's the funny thing though; as soon as it was over I was ready for it to be over. Like, really ready. Normally I fight to keep everything up until New Years (at least) but come December 27 it was just time. Time to get my house back. Time for new playlists. Time to dust, clean floors, and clear out the clutter. Time to figure out where the new toys and clothes will go and donate some of the old ones. Time to move forward. I am itching for a fresh start and a new year. We are ready for you, 2018!