Surviving and Thriving through Residency

 

Before my husband started medical school I scoured the internet for advice and first-hand accounts of med school life. My google searches weren’t very fruitful, but I did learn the phrase “med school widow.” Cool. Eventually I found this article: What I wish I knew: Advice for spouses of doctors and residents. It was empowering. If you are supporting a spouse through their medical journey I highly recommend reading it. In the months before residency I found myself consumed by the Lives of Doctor Wives group on Facebook. Would it be that bad? Would we be ok? Could I do this with a 2 year old and another baby on the way?

We finished residency about a year ago, and after months of hesitation I am adding my voice to this conversation. Not because of my own expertise, although I do have a couple pieces of hard-won advice to offer, but because the lessons I learned from my friends are begging to be shared. These were women with young children whose husbands were giving everything they had to their residency training, military service, or both. My people. We met up at the weekly “Toddler Time” class, bleary eyed because our babies refused to sleep through the night, enjoyed early morning walking routines with snacks and overloaded strollers as we tried to add some structure to our schedules, ran into each other at the playground in the late afternoon--both of us desperate to fill the hours before bedtime, and met up for countless playdates and zoo trips. These encounters were defined by conversations and observations that formed me. These are my lessons learned; a few practical gems I would have appreciated reading prior to intern year.

• Treasure every second you have with your spouse. All plans go out the window when he has a day off, especially if it’s a bonus day in the middle of the week. Is he on night shifts? Bummer. But that hour between when he wakes up and before he has to get ready for work? It’s gold, girl. Don’t let it go! Flake on that playdate, bail on those plans, take that hour. He misses you and the kids just as much as you all miss him.

• Always have something to look forward to, even if it’s small. Never let a day off go by without a fun outing or day trip. Even if it’s as simple as a trip to the Farmer’s Market. You may have to let dad sleep in or leave early to come home in time for the baby’s nap, but making it happen made all the difference for us. True, a lot of the work fell on my shoulders--preparing for the outing, planning the outing, packing snacks, extra clothes, coming home to extra laundry and sandy beach toys to hose off . . . but it was always worth it. 

• It’s ok to say no to things. You are tired, mama. These are survival years. It’s not forever! Do what you want to do, but don’t waste time trying to save face with anyone else. Go to the girls night if it will fill you. But if it feels like too much work? Don’t go! Your friends will understand. Book club? Try it out! But if it’s adding too much stress? Let. It. Go. Protect your time and personal space. Find friends who get it.

•  Keep life with kids simple. I recall excitedly telling my friend about an Instagram account I had found. It was one of those super-stellar-toddler-moms sharing daily activity ideas to do with your littles kind of accounts (two words: sensory bin). I am a total sucker for these, but after planning and carrying out a few of their ideas I usually revert back to our usual activities with a vague sense of guiltiness that my own efforts aren’t enough. As I gushed about all of these “super fun, super easy” ideas, my friend listened politely and then responded with a gentle shrug, “Yeah I don’t have time for that.” Maybe it worked for other people, but she said a firm NO to anything that made her feel like her best wasn’t enough. God certainly knew I needed her in my life.

There is no shame in walking the same route in your neighborhood every morning, 

feeding your kids the same meal for lunch every day, and rotating between the same 3 outings each week. Your kids don’t care about how interesting their lives are. If you are present with them and doing your best, it is enough. Turn off the TV, go outside, and count it as a win. You don’t need other people’s ideas to be enough for your children.

• The value of rituals. The only difference between a ritual and a routine is the meaning behind it, right? Filling my days with meaning during those residency years was a practice that changed me. I practiced finding magic in our daily routines and my life felt like less of a trek. Cold winter afternoons quietly folding laundry in the cozy patch of sunshine on my bedroom floor. Wrapping my toddler in a giant quilt to read library books out on the porch during the baby’s morning nap. Of course, pizza movie night was highly anticipated by all, and scooping our ice cream into cheap cake cones and eating them on the kitchen floor was the highlight of my son’s week. Find magic wherever you can. These years do not have to fly by unappreciated.

• Most importantly, make it a rule to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. When he falls asleep while you are in mid-rant about your 3 year old’s public tantrum. When he gets home hours later than you expected because that “24” turned into a 28 hour shift and he didn’t have a chance to text you. When you are just as tired as he is and he comes home after the kids are asleep and doesn’t help clean the kitchen. These things wear you down. But with a lot of help from heaven I learned the importance of taking a deep breath and letting it go, because who knows what he had been through since I saw him yesterday morning? My husband is no dummy; he knew better than to even breathe an implication that his life was harder than mine (NEVER go down that road). The act of intentionally giving him the benefit of the doubt in these scenarios helped me to transition from simmering resentment to empathy.

Because here’s the thing. Even though my days were a reliable blur of naptime, playdates, and diapers, my husband’s life changed drastically every 4 weeks. On an outpatient rotation (lower stress, easier hours) I got him back. He was tired, yes, but he did dishes and played with the kids. We enjoyed quality time together and felt connected again. These weeks felt like prizes. Then he would transition to an inpatient rotation like the NICU, and he was totally gone. Even when he was home his mind was somewhere else. He was chronically exhausted, stressed beyond belief, and it was all he could do to read our kids a book (if he got home in time) and watch a quick show with me before stumbling into bed. 

Week by week our marriage was strengthened as we practiced giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Learning as we went and starting over when we failed. Through those difficult years we maintained a foundation of love and support in our marriage by doing our best to avoid criticizing each other. I decided early on that I wanted to be a safe place for him, so I always assumed that he was giving us as much of himself as he could. In turn, he always assumed I was doing my best and never complained about a messy house, the giant laundry pile, or pancakes for dinner . . . again. 

Residency will end. Buckle up, do your best, and you will come out of this experience stronger and more independent. Oh and one more thing, never try to start an important conversation with your spouse at bedtime. Those talks won’t end well. You got this sister!