What is Going On Here?

Parenting books are my jam. My parenting toolbox is defined by books like No Drama Discipline, The Whole Brain Child, How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, and Love and Logic. While I enjoy reading them, in no way have I mastered the techniques or philosophies they present. But I’m trying, and it feels helpful to have those ideas bouncing around in my head while navigating parenting pitfalls throughout the day. 

One of the primary ideologies in these books is that of basic human needs and how they relate to behavior. When children are acting out it is often due to an unmet need (e.g. hungry, tired, thirsty, overstimulated). If a parent can anticipate a need before it is depleted by offering the snack before the meltdown, sticking to a good sleep routine, helping children stay hydrated, etc., most misbehavior can be avoided. Spoiler alert: this applies to grown ups too. 

Last night I cried. I cried like a small child over something that, on the surface, shouldn’t have been such a big deal. As I tackled the dinner dishes about an hour later, calm, but still brittle, I had to ask myself, “What is going on here?” My physical needs were met, it’s not like I needed a snack or anything. Sure, I was tired, but this was more than that. As I scrubbed pots and clumsily tried to psychoanalyze myself, I identified the many layers of emotional stress I was experiencing. Emotional stress that produces emotional needs that are harder to pin down as well as my need for a snack. I write about this because I am confident that many of us are under these same stressors. Even though many states are “opening” and life feels like it might be starting to normalize, 2020 has been a year of emotional stress and the sun isn’t even peeking from behind the clouds yet. We are very much in the thick of this.

This. A global pandemic that is surging through our nation. The vicious plagues of social inequality and racism. The mess that is politics. A floundering economy. The uncertain fate of small businesses. Policing in America. Restrictions on religious worship. Trying to stay in touch with loved ones through Facetime and Zoom, but it’s just not the same. Not to mention everything that was hard or stressful in your life before COVID-19 that is still there, sitting boldly in the front row taking up precious space and consuming even more emotional energy than before. Then there are all the cancelled plans, cancelled vacations, cancelled trips to visit family . . . Add a healthy dose of questions regarding summer plans, the upcoming school year, whether extra curricular opportunities will ever be available for your kids, and that, my friends, equals emotional stress. The kind of stress that can lurk just under the surface and crack our facade of got-it-togetherness at even the slightest ripple of tension.

I am very good at making plans. Plans that will, if followed, fulfill my emotional needs much like a child needs a regular bedtime, healthy snacks, and time to play freely outside. Consistently following through on those plans is a different story. I create plans to prioritize gospel study and keep an appointment with God each day, asking Him through prayer for eyes to see and ears to hear. I make plans to wake up at a consistent time, exercise before breakfast, block out my day to create time for focused, one-on-one play with my kids as well as time to just be quiet or to pursue my own hobbies or interests. To meet my own needs and keep my cup filled so that I have enough to give. To cool it on my media consumption, but stay connected to the right voices so that I can continue to listen, learn, and become an educated, informed citizen and advocate for change. And to just be there. Be there to listen and support all of my people in any way I can. In reality, the consistency of these plans often falls by the wayside. But honoring the foundations of those idealized plans is usually enough. Foundations of prayer, togetherness, time spent outdoors, shared meals, books read, and always more play.

It’s a lot, guys. Some days we nail it. Some days we don’t. You’re probably rocking it all way better than I am. Every day I plead for the grace and strength that can only come from God. But then sometimes I get busy and I forget to pray. And then things get even harder until I circle back to where I need to be; with my Jesus. With Him I feel more capable of leaning into my emotions and honoring them, rather than shoving them down deep to await explosion at a later date. 

I don’t know why exactly I am putting this all down in words. Writing is a therapeutic way for me to process. But I mostly share these thoughts with a hope for solidarity. We are all carrying an extra emotional load right now. Some of our loads are significantly heavier than others. We’ll get through it. Hopefully together. And hopefully we can come out on the other side of this with a little more kindness, empathy, perspective, and wisdom.