I am the mother my children need.

The days are long. But we are finding joy. It's much easier to come by when the sun is shining and the temperature is in the mid-60's!

Last week was strange. I was in slow motion and felt "busy" all week but hardly accomplished anything. We did end up having a wonderful Thanksgiving day though! This week we are picking up the pieces, getting out with friends, enjoying the sunshine, raking leaves, and trying to get this house put back together. I am also in the throes of Christmas decorating . . . the fun part has worn off and now I just want to be done so I can stuff the boxes away in the attic and enjoy my twinkle lights in peace!

Also, I had such a tender moment with J yesterday. He is having a hard time being obedient--he sets his little mind to something and just wants to do it so bad! Even if it's a "no-no choice," which it usually is. Yesterday he decided to be sneaky and take our snow globe down off the mantle. Of course in trying to get it down he dropped it and it smashed on the floor. It was wrecked and made such a mess. I got pretty upset; not because he broke it, but because he deliberately disobeyed me and then it broke, just like I knew it would!

I put him in his room, shut the door, and went back downstairs to clean up the mess. His screaming/crying died down pretty quick, so I expected to go back up a few minutes later to find him playing or reading, totally over it. Instead I opened the door to find him sitting in bed with huge tear-filled eyes. He looked at me with the saddest little expression and whispered quietly, "I sorry mama. I said a prayer mama. I said a prayer that I can have a do-over."

Often times after he acts out I get angry, and we both end up having a tantrum (yes, mom tantrums are a thing. I can't be the only one, right?) When things calm down I usually ask him if we can say a prayer together to ask Heavenly Father for help to feel happy again and start over. It made my mama heart soar to see that in the depths of his 3-year-old sadness he turned to prayer for solace and comfort. I lose my temper way too often and never stop feeling guilty about it, but would he have learned this lesson if I were always perfectly calm and patient? This experience gave me hope that I am the mother he needs, despite my endless weaknesses and imperfections.

This phrase has been my mantra since a sweet friend gave me this book for Mother's Day. I highly recommend it for any other imperfect moms out there!

You are the Mother Your Children Need by Christie Gardiner

Thanksgiving Plans

I LOVE hosting Thanksgiving. Give me all the clean up; it's worth it. Finding recipes, reading all the Thanksgiving tips/articles, making a cooking schedule, dreaming of the day when I can own a double oven, inviting friends to bring their favorite dishes and help with last minute preparation in the kitchen, using the good plates, forcing everyone into a dorky game of Thanksgiving trivia as we keep picking at the food long after we're full . . . it's the best. We have hosted a few times and each year brings a couple successes and a couple more "let's fix that for next year's" (I refuse to call them failures).

This year the whole hosting thing just didn't pan out. Matt will be working all day and most of our friends are going to be out of town. Truth be told I was a little bummed about it, until I realized that this was the perfect opportunity to practice new recipes without the pressure of a crowd (*nerd alert* I have had an imaginary dinner all planned out for a couple weeks anyway). 

Then one of my very best friends had her baby over the weekend and I conveniently signed up to bring them dinner on Thursday (see what I did there?) So the plan is to bring Thanksgiving with me, armed with tupperware and casserole dishes, and as long as my kid's noses stop running we will stay and eat. And we were invited to an evening dinner at one of the other resident's homes that we will be able to enjoy with Matt. Life has a way of sorting itself out.

Since I won't have my sous chef/dishwasher with me tomorrow, I have gravitated towards easy, make ahead recipes. 

Mel's Kitchen Cafe is the name of the game this year.

Turkey breast in the crockpot

A new "make ahead" roll recipe

Instant Pot mashed potatoes

From-Scratch Green Bean Casserole that is easily assembled the day before

And, of course, Mom Scott's sweet potatoes.

If I have the energy, Our Best Bites Sour Cream Apple Pie (contribution to the resident dinner)

Confession

Maybe it's the cooler weather. Maybe it's the fact that we don't have any big Thanksgiving plans. Maybe that Million Bulb Walk event that I promised Matt wouldn't have any Christmas in it (oops), flipped a switch. I started listening to Christmas music this week. After at least 20 years of embracing the "NO Christmas before Thanksgiving" fanaticism, I caved. It started with an innocent little Indie Holiday playlist last Wednesday and turned into a full blown Amy Grant this morning. We listened to the Home for Christmas album twice in a row. I am not ashamed.

The funny part of this is that Jonathan has been asking a lot about what "time" it is since Halloween Time is over. There have been many discussions about Autumn Time, Thanksgiving, and how Christmas will come next but it's not here yet. When I casually asked him if he wanted to listen to some Christmas music the other day he replied, "You sneaky, mama!" I can't get anything past this kid.

Naptime

Most days the boy's naps overlap by at least an hour. There are always ten million things I need/want to do, but I try to take at least a few minutes as soon as they fall asleep to read my scriptures. It lifts me up, gives me perspective, and brings me comfort.

Today I sat down needing a little pick-me-up, for a few different reasons. I opened them and the pages fell straight to this scripture in the Book of Mormon:

47 Peace, peace be unto you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world. (Helaman 5:47)

And then this section from the Bible popped into my head:

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

These words were exactly what I needed this afternoon. I know that my Savior and my Heavenly Father are aware of me and my struggles. These moments of comfort are moments I need to remember. And as I record and remember them, they will come more often.

Yesterday.

Rewind to Sunday. One of the most exhausting days I've had in awhile. Church on my own, then a church youth activity that I was helping to put on, all without Matt. I have a great village here and so many people helped me out, but Will is a mama's boy. Bless his heart . . . and my back. The three of us rolled into bed around 9:30/10 and Matt didn't get home until late Monday morning.

So yesterday I woke up to crazy town. The house was a disaster--we're talking the mess that had built up after three days of fun with Matt home last week, dirty dishes (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), diapers, laundry, you name it. But here's the part I want to remember.

The kids played quietly all morning while I washed clothes and put the house back in order. Phew! Will took a two hour nap which gave me time to shower and feel like a person again. While Will was napping, J and I made banana bread that not only turned out perfectly, but replaced the house's old spaghetti smell with the smell of homemade baked goods. No matter what's going on, the smell of baking bread makes me feel like I am winning at life.

Nothing big, just a moment worth capturing.

Also, I made this amazing Pork Ragu for dinner. We stayed home all afternoon while it braised in the oven and made the house feel cozy.

Jonathan, Age 3

As he was going to bed I said, "Go right to sleep so we can have pancakes tomorrow!" He replied, "Pancakes are my favorite!" Then added, in a warning tone, "but usually yucky pancakes are my not favorite."

On a road trip without Matt, I got a little lost trying to find the hotel. When we finally pulled in J asked, "Are you so proud Mommy?" Then a minute later he added, "Way to go!"

He ate his apple down to the core and when he saw the seeds he exclaimed, "Look! BEANS!"

Will has just begun matching J's excitement for street sweepers, city buses, garbage trucks, etc. One morning they were looking out the window and J yelled to me in the kitchen, "Mom!! Are you know Wee-yum thinks cycling truckses and barbage truckses are cool??!!"

As Will was fussing in the car . . .
J: "Be quiet! I trying talk to Mama!"
W: yells in protest
J: "No yelling!"
W: makes a small squawk (totally testing to see what J would do next)
J: exasperated sigh "Try again!"

Two Thoughts.

On troubleshooting.

That "aerial view" of my life revealed that things get pretty hairy around here after 4 pm. We still have about 3 hours before dad gets home. The boys are up from their naps, Will is starting to fuss because he's starving, J usually wants to "go somewhere" and I need to get dinner started because Will is having a conniption on the kitchen floor.

So here is my attempted solution.

• Plan out meals for the month, doubling ingredients and meals here and there to stock up the freezer, and plan for one or two big shopping trips a month. Goal: be strategic, efficient, organized. 
• Dedicate the first half hour of nap time to dinner prep so things come together more quickly. Make this a habit.
• And, for the love. Plan more Instant Pot and Crock Pot meals. This stage of my life is not conducive to any recipe that involves browning or braising. It just isn't. I can channel my inner Julia when I don't have a screaming 1 yo wrapped around my leg.

Also, I tend to get so wrapped up in my "household duties" that I start to multi-task my kids, trying to distract them so I can finish one more thing. It's the worst! 

Solution: If I can have most things finished by 3 (i.e. laundry folded, table cleared of junk, kitchen clean-ish) and let myself off the hook for everything else, then I can actually enjoy the evening with my kids instead of counting down the minutes until bedtime. 

On Do-Overs.

J and I talk a lot about do-overs. He is in a frustrating stage right now, defiant as heck and pushing every boundary he can think of. As a result I have trouble staying calm and patient throughout the day. Especially by the time evening rolls around and I am feeling like a frayed rubber band, ready to snap. We grant each other do-overs multiple times a day. Most of the time it helps.

Last night was rough for a number of reasons. We all get to have a meltdown every now and then, right? But all of my troubles looked much brighter as the sun came up this morning. The boys and I went on a walk, and all I could think about was that today is my do-over. And no matter what happens, tonight I get to sleep, and tomorrow I get another do-over! It's simple, but this thought brings me comfort.